Battlefield Earth

There isn’t a formula for filmmaking that works one hundred percent of the time. Jim Carrey in a comedy seems to work most of the time. Bruce Willis as a cop or Harrison Ford looking for his family is usually good, too. Even a movie based on a previously-successful television series or novel generally prevails, having enough solid, developed source material to make a decent movie. Essentially, a good star, good material, and good director have a good chance of knocking one out of the park. Battlefield Earth is none of these.

For starters, the film is based off a novel by the same name, written by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1980’s. The film also stars John Travolta in a role where he doesn’t dance or anything- actually, he’s the main villain. Although the film is based on a book by the creator of Scientology, starring an outspoken Scientologist and produced by a Scientologist, the film doesn’t actually contain any direct references to Scientology. It does, however, have one thing in common: it’s incredibly stupid.

The film stars Barry Pepper as a caveman without a personality, and John Travolta and Forest Whitaker as 12-foot cone-headed aliens called Psychlos, that look like a Klingon had kids with Russell Brand. As one of these creatures, John Travolta delivers the least intimidating performance ever. The only scary part about it is that you know he thought he was doing a good job. Bambi is more menacing because you know a deer can bite you. All I feared from Travolta was a sequel (there are multiple installments in the book series).

The plot is basically as follows: an alien race called the Psychlos has enslaved Earth for the past 1000 years, mining all our metals and holding humans captive. It’s gotten to the point that humans are essentially hunters and scavengers. One day, Jonnie (Barry Pepper), is kidnapped by the Psychlos and forced into a containment area for humans. The purpose for holding the humans captive is still unbeknownst to me. They seem to be working outside in a prison yard, but the only thing they appear to be doing is looking through bins of some sort (possibly to find Battlefield Earth on sale for $1.99). I wondered why the humans (called man animals by Psychlos) weren’t forced to mine, but it is later revealed that it is against the law to teach humans how to mine. Why? I don’t know. Plot point, I suppose, because eventually, Terl (John Travolta) forces the ‘man animals’ to mine for gold that only he knows about. Bad Terl.

The most irritating part of Battlefield Earth is the fact that the entire movie- literally all but on shot is filmed at an angle of at least 45 degrees. Either the tripod was broken or the director had an inner ear infection (“looks straight to me, guys”). Not only that, but the editors of the film used the exact same transition between all the scenes: the classic curtain wipe (the image is replaced by two separate wipes moving in opposite directions). It’s not surprising that the budget of the movie only allowed for PowerPoint-caliber transitions.

In addition to the crazy angled shots and Muppet Show-quality transitions, many scenes contain unnecessary color filters. Random shots would be green or purple or yellow, for now apparent reason. It looked like someone was eating Skittles while handling the film reels.

The special effects weren’t always laughable, although they do appear to have been made using the same software that generates Windows 97 screen savers. One shot in particular, of thousands of bricks of gold, looks like unfinished Reboot animation. And Reboot already looked unfinished.

The film also contains many plot holes: how did books survive 1000 years? How did guns and jets remain usable and loaded after 1000 years? How did a flight simulator in an arcade remain functional after 100 years and still have a formidable power supply? Why are there ridiculous laws like ‘teaching man animals to mine is punishable by death’? Why are John Travolta and Forest Whitaker the only Psychlos who look like humans, when all the others look like Orcs?

Many scenes are dialogue-heavy, scattered with made-up technological gibberish. A lot of the shots are in slow motion (including one shot completely ripped from the Matrix, involving debris and pillars), and the whole movie is tilted and tinted. All of the acting is incredibly bad, and most of the special effects are as convincing as Scientology (not convincing).

I will say this, though: watch the movie. Then watch the special features and the deleted scenes and the screen tests. Although you will lose 119 minutes of your day, you will have punch lines for the rest of your life. To quote Terl, “While you were learning to spell, I was learning to conquer galaxies!” Good for you, John. While I was learning to spell, you still had a career.