Rob Schneider of Deuce Bigalow ‘fame’ returns to the screen one year later and one year wasted. The Animal is the kind of premise you expect in a comedy- one so simple that it has no boundaries. One where the possibilities seem endless.
The premise of this movie is that a man nearly dies after driving off a cliff to avoid a seal, and a crazy British mad scientist who lives in a cabin in the woods rebuilds him with animal parts. It’s so simple. The possibilities really were without end. Instead of exploring this outlandish idea (the ridiculousness we dismiss for it is a comedy), the writers and producers, and most of all, Rob Schneider himself, chose to do the same joke twenty-seven times in a row: Rob Schneider does a wacky animal thing and almost gets caught, then he does it again and he does get caught- and he comes up with a crazy reason for it and none of the other characters seem to care.
It’s strange though, the direction in which this movie went. At a suitable PG rating, it likely attracted both younger and older audiences. The premise was simple enough to have been a fantastic children’s movie, with silly sounds and funny faces, or an over-the-top physical piece (probably requiring Jim Carrey or Robin Williams). Instead it decides to tread on the middle ground: under-the-top sight gags, misplaced sex jokes, and occasional cursing.
The real downfall for The Animal (other than its own existence), is the fact that the stakes are never raised. In fact- there aren’t any. There is less tension in this movie than there is in Charlton Heston’s buttcheeks, and more wasted space than there is in Canada.
1. Rob Schneider can’t become a cop because he can’t complete the obstacle course. Once he becomes The Animal, he completes the obstacle course.
2. Before he can get his full certification, he must complete 30 days of probation (four minutes of the film). He completes the 30 days of probation with no problems, and during that time, saves a life.
3. Now he’s a successful cop. Now people like him.
4. He likes a girl. She’s an eccentric environmentalist who doesn’t care that he’s a weirdo. She asks him out. No competition.
5. He does wacky animal things on their first date and she can’t figure out what it is ‘about him’. Either way, she has no problem with it.
6. He does some more wacky animal things.
7. She spends the night with him. That was easy.
8. A mob comes to his house accusing him of slaughtering cattle in the night. They chase him. He gets away. It turns out she’s the monster (sorry, an animal), but Rob Schneider’s black friend takes the blame, and no one gives a crap.
9. The two ‘animals’ live happily ever after and the mad scientist wins the Nobel Prize.
The climactic moment, where we find out that the environment-loving girl (played by an ex-Survivor) is The Animal, is capped off with an impressive display of literary genius, “Oh, so that’s why you have six nipples”.
Not once, for the duration of this 70-minute thrilless ride was I on the edge of my seat. If anything I was further back than I normally am when I watch movies. I was inside the couch with a rusty spring poking at my neck, but I didn’t notice because I was waiting for something dire to happen. How’s he gonna get out of this one? Oh, wait. He did. Instantly.
Rest assured, your eyes will be locked to the screen, but not because of a vested interest in the characters or story. Instead, you will be rife with anticipation that someone or something at some point will up the ante. I don’t think there was an ante.
I believe the last line of the movie is spoken by the girl, who says to Rob Schneider, “you really are an animal”. Or something like that. I beg to differ. Rob Schneider isn’t an animal, and he never will be. Animals can be funny, exciting and even scary, and The Animal isn’t any of these things… unless you consider a man licking himself scary. Then the movie is scary. Twice.
The premise of this movie is that a man nearly dies after driving off a cliff to avoid a seal, and a crazy British mad scientist who lives in a cabin in the woods rebuilds him with animal parts. It’s so simple. The possibilities really were without end. Instead of exploring this outlandish idea (the ridiculousness we dismiss for it is a comedy), the writers and producers, and most of all, Rob Schneider himself, chose to do the same joke twenty-seven times in a row: Rob Schneider does a wacky animal thing and almost gets caught, then he does it again and he does get caught- and he comes up with a crazy reason for it and none of the other characters seem to care.
It’s strange though, the direction in which this movie went. At a suitable PG rating, it likely attracted both younger and older audiences. The premise was simple enough to have been a fantastic children’s movie, with silly sounds and funny faces, or an over-the-top physical piece (probably requiring Jim Carrey or Robin Williams). Instead it decides to tread on the middle ground: under-the-top sight gags, misplaced sex jokes, and occasional cursing.
The real downfall for The Animal (other than its own existence), is the fact that the stakes are never raised. In fact- there aren’t any. There is less tension in this movie than there is in Charlton Heston’s buttcheeks, and more wasted space than there is in Canada.
1. Rob Schneider can’t become a cop because he can’t complete the obstacle course. Once he becomes The Animal, he completes the obstacle course.
2. Before he can get his full certification, he must complete 30 days of probation (four minutes of the film). He completes the 30 days of probation with no problems, and during that time, saves a life.
3. Now he’s a successful cop. Now people like him.
4. He likes a girl. She’s an eccentric environmentalist who doesn’t care that he’s a weirdo. She asks him out. No competition.
5. He does wacky animal things on their first date and she can’t figure out what it is ‘about him’. Either way, she has no problem with it.
6. He does some more wacky animal things.
7. She spends the night with him. That was easy.
8. A mob comes to his house accusing him of slaughtering cattle in the night. They chase him. He gets away. It turns out she’s the monster (sorry, an animal), but Rob Schneider’s black friend takes the blame, and no one gives a crap.
9. The two ‘animals’ live happily ever after and the mad scientist wins the Nobel Prize.
The climactic moment, where we find out that the environment-loving girl (played by an ex-Survivor) is The Animal, is capped off with an impressive display of literary genius, “Oh, so that’s why you have six nipples”.
Not once, for the duration of this 70-minute thrilless ride was I on the edge of my seat. If anything I was further back than I normally am when I watch movies. I was inside the couch with a rusty spring poking at my neck, but I didn’t notice because I was waiting for something dire to happen. How’s he gonna get out of this one? Oh, wait. He did. Instantly.
Rest assured, your eyes will be locked to the screen, but not because of a vested interest in the characters or story. Instead, you will be rife with anticipation that someone or something at some point will up the ante. I don’t think there was an ante.
I believe the last line of the movie is spoken by the girl, who says to Rob Schneider, “you really are an animal”. Or something like that. I beg to differ. Rob Schneider isn’t an animal, and he never will be. Animals can be funny, exciting and even scary, and The Animal isn’t any of these things… unless you consider a man licking himself scary. Then the movie is scary. Twice.
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