Battlefield Earth

There isn’t a formula for filmmaking that works one hundred percent of the time. Jim Carrey in a comedy seems to work most of the time. Bruce Willis as a cop or Harrison Ford looking for his family is usually good, too. Even a movie based on a previously-successful television series or novel generally prevails, having enough solid, developed source material to make a decent movie. Essentially, a good star, good material, and good director have a good chance of knocking one out of the park. Battlefield Earth is none of these.

For starters, the film is based off a novel by the same name, written by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1980’s. The film also stars John Travolta in a role where he doesn’t dance or anything- actually, he’s the main villain. Although the film is based on a book by the creator of Scientology, starring an outspoken Scientologist and produced by a Scientologist, the film doesn’t actually contain any direct references to Scientology. It does, however, have one thing in common: it’s incredibly stupid.

The film stars Barry Pepper as a caveman without a personality, and John Travolta and Forest Whitaker as 12-foot cone-headed aliens called Psychlos, that look like a Klingon had kids with Russell Brand. As one of these creatures, John Travolta delivers the least intimidating performance ever. The only scary part about it is that you know he thought he was doing a good job. Bambi is more menacing because you know a deer can bite you. All I feared from Travolta was a sequel (there are multiple installments in the book series).

The plot is basically as follows: an alien race called the Psychlos has enslaved Earth for the past 1000 years, mining all our metals and holding humans captive. It’s gotten to the point that humans are essentially hunters and scavengers. One day, Jonnie (Barry Pepper), is kidnapped by the Psychlos and forced into a containment area for humans. The purpose for holding the humans captive is still unbeknownst to me. They seem to be working outside in a prison yard, but the only thing they appear to be doing is looking through bins of some sort (possibly to find Battlefield Earth on sale for $1.99). I wondered why the humans (called man animals by Psychlos) weren’t forced to mine, but it is later revealed that it is against the law to teach humans how to mine. Why? I don’t know. Plot point, I suppose, because eventually, Terl (John Travolta) forces the ‘man animals’ to mine for gold that only he knows about. Bad Terl.

The most irritating part of Battlefield Earth is the fact that the entire movie- literally all but on shot is filmed at an angle of at least 45 degrees. Either the tripod was broken or the director had an inner ear infection (“looks straight to me, guys”). Not only that, but the editors of the film used the exact same transition between all the scenes: the classic curtain wipe (the image is replaced by two separate wipes moving in opposite directions). It’s not surprising that the budget of the movie only allowed for PowerPoint-caliber transitions.

In addition to the crazy angled shots and Muppet Show-quality transitions, many scenes contain unnecessary color filters. Random shots would be green or purple or yellow, for now apparent reason. It looked like someone was eating Skittles while handling the film reels.

The special effects weren’t always laughable, although they do appear to have been made using the same software that generates Windows 97 screen savers. One shot in particular, of thousands of bricks of gold, looks like unfinished Reboot animation. And Reboot already looked unfinished.

The film also contains many plot holes: how did books survive 1000 years? How did guns and jets remain usable and loaded after 1000 years? How did a flight simulator in an arcade remain functional after 100 years and still have a formidable power supply? Why are there ridiculous laws like ‘teaching man animals to mine is punishable by death’? Why are John Travolta and Forest Whitaker the only Psychlos who look like humans, when all the others look like Orcs?

Many scenes are dialogue-heavy, scattered with made-up technological gibberish. A lot of the shots are in slow motion (including one shot completely ripped from the Matrix, involving debris and pillars), and the whole movie is tilted and tinted. All of the acting is incredibly bad, and most of the special effects are as convincing as Scientology (not convincing).

I will say this, though: watch the movie. Then watch the special features and the deleted scenes and the screen tests. Although you will lose 119 minutes of your day, you will have punch lines for the rest of your life. To quote Terl, “While you were learning to spell, I was learning to conquer galaxies!” Good for you, John. While I was learning to spell, you still had a career.

Norbit

I’ve always said that if Eddie Murphy was the last person on earth, there would be no issue because he could just play everyone. Well, he’s back again, with more screen time than ever. It is possible that there isn’t one scene that he isn’t in. How is this possible? Unlike The Fugitive, Murphy’s on-screen time isn’t a result of the nature of the story, but simply because he chose to play a modest three characters (a laughable number in comparison to the 49 or so that he played in The Nutty Professor 2: the Klumps).

Much like Tyler Perry, Martin Lawrence and Monique, Eddie Murphy has a strange infatuation with portraying fat black women, and like Mickey Rooney and Rob Schneider, has no shame in sporting Yellow Face to play an overly-stereotyped Asian man.

The plot of Norbit is roughly as follows: a black baby (Norbit) is thrown out of a car and adopted by an old Chinese man named Mr. Wong (because this movie exceeds creativity), and falls in love with another orphan girl (they share an intimate Ring Pop-related moment, despite the fact that the candy wouldn’t have existed for another ten years). In grade school, Norbit is saved from school yard bullies by a fat girl named Rasputia, who goes on to bully him into marriage, and essentially ruin his life from then on. Rasputia’s brother Big Black Jack (again with the creativity!) leads her other siblings in turning the orphanage into a strip club called Nipplopolis (Pulitzer, anyone?). Other than that, there isn’t really much semblance of a plot. Rasputia yells a lot and eats ribs, and Norbit looks awfully scared for most of the movie. Cuba Gooding Jr. is in the movie for some reason, too.

As far as I could tell, the first big joke in the film was at Norbit and Rasputia’s wedding, when Norbit notices that someone has eaten some of the cake. The camera whips over to the side and we see Rasputia fiddling with a plant. She turns her head, and- get ready for it: she has white icing all over her face! Then she says “I didn’t eat no damn cake!” Pure. Comic. Genius.

At one point, there actually seems to be a non-fat-woman-eating-cake-related plot point. Norbit is finally fed up with Rasputia and decides to leave, but before he can reach the sidewalk, Rasputia reveals that she is pregnant. The stakes have risen! Now Norbit has to stay! But lo and behold, come time for a scene at a fair, Norbit catches Rasputia drinking beer and objects. She reveals that she isn’t pregnant, and instead releases a massive fart, exclaiming “there’s your child. Get out of my face!” This may, in fact, be a cinematic first: she literally farted the plot away.

After a series of several more black, Asian and fat jokes, a plot begins to emerge through all the political incorrectness and cellulite. It is revealed that the orphan girl who once stole Norbit’s heart and licked his Ring Pop is getting married to a sleazy Cuba Gooding Jr. (apparently he was part of the story). Well, suffice to say that Norbit is quite distressed over this, as he overhears Cuba talking on the phone to his ex-wife (da-da-dum). If you think that the rest of the movie is just a lot of yelling on Rasputia’s part and a wedding between Norbit and Ring Pop girl, then you would be right, except you forgot to mention that at the end of the movie, Rasputia and her brothers head to Mexico and open El Nipplopolis (wow) with- guess who, as the headline performer.

It could be said that Norbit is a wet sandwich: you have all this great stuff in there, but like bread soaked in water, once you drop the ball (or sandwich in this case), all the good ingredients are totally wasted. Look at what this movie had: Eddie Murphy, an Oscar-nominated, world-renown comedian; Rick Baker on make up (he didn’t drop the sandwich at all- in fact he got an Oscar nomination for realistic back fat); Cuba Gooding Jr. (not particularly funny, but an Oscar-winner nonetheless) and a modest but experienced supporting cast (Marlon Wayans, Terry Crews, Eddie Griffin and Kat Williams). But, regardless of the fine quality cheese, thinly sliced roast beef and crisp lettuce you have, wet bread is not something you’re willing to eat- no matter what is in there.

The Animal

Rob Schneider of Deuce Bigalow ‘fame’ returns to the screen one year later and one year wasted. The Animal is the kind of premise you expect in a comedy- one so simple that it has no boundaries. One where the possibilities seem endless.

The premise of this movie is that a man nearly dies after driving off a cliff to avoid a seal, and a crazy British mad scientist who lives in a cabin in the woods rebuilds him with animal parts. It’s so simple. The possibilities really were without end. Instead of exploring this outlandish idea (the ridiculousness we dismiss for it is a comedy), the writers and producers, and most of all, Rob Schneider himself, chose to do the same joke twenty-seven times in a row: Rob Schneider does a wacky animal thing and almost gets caught, then he does it again and he does get caught- and he comes up with a crazy reason for it and none of the other characters seem to care.

It’s strange though, the direction in which this movie went. At a suitable PG rating, it likely attracted both younger and older audiences. The premise was simple enough to have been a fantastic children’s movie, with silly sounds and funny faces, or an over-the-top physical piece (probably requiring Jim Carrey or Robin Williams). Instead it decides to tread on the middle ground: under-the-top sight gags, misplaced sex jokes, and occasional cursing.

The real downfall for The Animal (other than its own existence), is the fact that the stakes are never raised. In fact- there aren’t any. There is less tension in this movie than there is in Charlton Heston’s buttcheeks, and more wasted space than there is in Canada.

1. Rob Schneider can’t become a cop because he can’t complete the obstacle course. Once he becomes The Animal, he completes the obstacle course.
2. Before he can get his full certification, he must complete 30 days of probation (four minutes of the film). He completes the 30 days of probation with no problems, and during that time, saves a life.
3. Now he’s a successful cop. Now people like him.
4. He likes a girl. She’s an eccentric environmentalist who doesn’t care that he’s a weirdo. She asks him out. No competition.
5. He does wacky animal things on their first date and she can’t figure out what it is ‘about him’. Either way, she has no problem with it.
6. He does some more wacky animal things.
7. She spends the night with him. That was easy.
8. A mob comes to his house accusing him of slaughtering cattle in the night. They chase him. He gets away. It turns out she’s the monster (sorry, an animal), but Rob Schneider’s black friend takes the blame, and no one gives a crap.
9. The two ‘animals’ live happily ever after and the mad scientist wins the Nobel Prize.


The climactic moment, where we find out that the environment-loving girl (played by an ex-Survivor) is The Animal, is capped off with an impressive display of literary genius, “Oh, so that’s why you have six nipples”.

Not once, for the duration of this 70-minute thrilless ride was I on the edge of my seat. If anything I was further back than I normally am when I watch movies. I was inside the couch with a rusty spring poking at my neck, but I didn’t notice because I was waiting for something dire to happen. How’s he gonna get out of this one? Oh, wait. He did. Instantly.

Rest assured, your eyes will be locked to the screen, but not because of a vested interest in the characters or story. Instead, you will be rife with anticipation that someone or something at some point will up the ante. I don’t think there was an ante.

I believe the last line of the movie is spoken by the girl, who says to Rob Schneider, “you really are an animal”. Or something like that. I beg to differ. Rob Schneider isn’t an animal, and he never will be. Animals can be funny, exciting and even scary, and The Animal isn’t any of these things… unless you consider a man licking himself scary. Then the movie is scary. Twice.